'til we run out of road

i remember about this time last year, but in late late july, when bonnie, my father and i moved me from my apartment on south street to hathaway farms when my lease ran out early. as we pulled up to the cul de sac to unload, it began to rain. we camped out inside the truck for a bit, waiting for the storm to pass. once my belongings made it in alright and dad left, bonnie and i got caught in the middle of an even greater thunderstorm. it was the kind of downpour where you hike up your clothes and go dance in the middle of the street, begging the storm gods to cease so your car doesn't float away. we braved the flood waters, still sticky from our moving efforts, and danced and sang in the middle of that cul de sac like two little girls afraid to go home and face their mothers. we sat down in the puddles, laughing and discussing all of Life's Important Matters, like which foreign countries to explore, whether it made sense to pack up and leave everything behind, and why she wouldn't get on board with taylor swift. in that moment, with all my belongings in boxes, i saw what lay before me, and i was not afraid. i had a compatriot, a cheerleader, and someone who believed in me.

today i started the slow and mundane process of moving everything from my current third floor walkup to the new third floor walkup down the street. i was the first one in the apartment, and immediately began cleaning. my bathroom, bedroom, the living room and kitchen are all spotless. i hauled over the majority of my clothes (which leaves not that much?) and single-handedly transported huge pieces of furniture left by the tenants across the apartment. i had a good soundtrack, a bottle of ice water, and not much else. lauren will be joining me later today when she gets off work, so that will make the process simpler and more enjoyable. however, the solitude left me thinking - i've been here for an entire year, and i'm left to make this move by myself. i asked around, don't get me wrong, and i did have volunteers (albeit, ones who backed out on me), but i found myself alone in this.

my three best friends from chicago have all left the city. i know that this year will open even more doors, blah blah blah, but i can't help but wonder whether it's me or the city that's holding me back. i am open and engaged and friendly with everyone i meet, personally or professionally. i am also myself, so there's a good touch of cynicism and morbidity in there, but not enough to throw anyone off a huge amount. i can't help but think of all the people i love and how they all deliver that passion and loyalty i so value - i know it's not impossible to find. i recall last summer, and that rain dance of love and trust and friendship and goodbyes. i know it's there. i'm not going to settle. but it does get lonely, looking out.

find out how much love the world can hold

we're entering the final days of summer, and the countdown until i return to new england for a luxurious twelve-day stay has commenced. i'm wrapping up the circus show (my god what a true testament to my strength of character) and am enjoying some long overdue lounging and packing, waiting both for my move (to an apartment one block east) and for the gig at steppenwolf to begin. it's been a summer of exploration and revelation. i think i've learned - or rediscovered - more about myself in the past three months than in the past three years.

i guess i'm looking for these next steps now, these follow throughs, to make everything stick. to recognize intense emotions after years of running away, to painfully stare them in the face, only to have everything crumble around you - that is only the first step. to rise above those remains and keep going, without shutting down again - that is the goal. there has been so much that i have been afraid of feeling for so long, and it all smacked me in the face this summer. i've learned that i can be truly awful at figuring out who to trust and that, in spite of all these defenses i put in place, i sometimes let in the unworthiest of choices.

no one's been quite as fast since you but still i have a good time

i've realized that idealism in a relationship pales in comparison to reliability and trust. that flowery words will only take you so far and that underneath it all that foundation had better be solid. i spent so long banking on the notion that there was one perfect person destined for everyone - two halves of one whole. in some ways i feel ridiculous admitting that over the age of 8, but it's not to say that i think we should settle for a safety net. i think the passion that lives in trusting another with your dreams and your heart and your fears is far deeper than that notion of a soulmate.

most importantly, i'm starting to trust my gut. if it doesn't feel right, chances are it's not. at the same time, if there's no huge red flag waving, maybe it's okay to let some people in. and most of all, i can trust that those dear friends&family who've proved themselves time and again are here to stay. it's hard to let go and accept that, especially when it seems like the world is moving so fast.

so, in short. i may not be able to throw a punch. it turns out that club owners and circusfolk make bad bosses and even worse lovers. if there is a strange illness going around a city, i'm more than likely to catch it. this does not, however, mean that i will stay away from the dog beach. maybe moving a block down really means that i like the neighborhood, not that i hate change. or maybe it means both, and that's okay. it's time i wrote angrier songs again. there's a lot to fight for, so many people to defend. and perhaps i should put myself first on that list. because, damnit, i deserve it after this long.