find out how much love the world can hold

we're entering the final days of summer, and the countdown until i return to new england for a luxurious twelve-day stay has commenced. i'm wrapping up the circus show (my god what a true testament to my strength of character) and am enjoying some long overdue lounging and packing, waiting both for my move (to an apartment one block east) and for the gig at steppenwolf to begin. it's been a summer of exploration and revelation. i think i've learned - or rediscovered - more about myself in the past three months than in the past three years.

i guess i'm looking for these next steps now, these follow throughs, to make everything stick. to recognize intense emotions after years of running away, to painfully stare them in the face, only to have everything crumble around you - that is only the first step. to rise above those remains and keep going, without shutting down again - that is the goal. there has been so much that i have been afraid of feeling for so long, and it all smacked me in the face this summer. i've learned that i can be truly awful at figuring out who to trust and that, in spite of all these defenses i put in place, i sometimes let in the unworthiest of choices.

no one's been quite as fast since you but still i have a good time

i've realized that idealism in a relationship pales in comparison to reliability and trust. that flowery words will only take you so far and that underneath it all that foundation had better be solid. i spent so long banking on the notion that there was one perfect person destined for everyone - two halves of one whole. in some ways i feel ridiculous admitting that over the age of 8, but it's not to say that i think we should settle for a safety net. i think the passion that lives in trusting another with your dreams and your heart and your fears is far deeper than that notion of a soulmate.

most importantly, i'm starting to trust my gut. if it doesn't feel right, chances are it's not. at the same time, if there's no huge red flag waving, maybe it's okay to let some people in. and most of all, i can trust that those dear friends&family who've proved themselves time and again are here to stay. it's hard to let go and accept that, especially when it seems like the world is moving so fast.

so, in short. i may not be able to throw a punch. it turns out that club owners and circusfolk make bad bosses and even worse lovers. if there is a strange illness going around a city, i'm more than likely to catch it. this does not, however, mean that i will stay away from the dog beach. maybe moving a block down really means that i like the neighborhood, not that i hate change. or maybe it means both, and that's okay. it's time i wrote angrier songs again. there's a lot to fight for, so many people to defend. and perhaps i should put myself first on that list. because, damnit, i deserve it after this long.