'til we run out of road

i remember about this time last year, but in late late july, when bonnie, my father and i moved me from my apartment on south street to hathaway farms when my lease ran out early. as we pulled up to the cul de sac to unload, it began to rain. we camped out inside the truck for a bit, waiting for the storm to pass. once my belongings made it in alright and dad left, bonnie and i got caught in the middle of an even greater thunderstorm. it was the kind of downpour where you hike up your clothes and go dance in the middle of the street, begging the storm gods to cease so your car doesn't float away. we braved the flood waters, still sticky from our moving efforts, and danced and sang in the middle of that cul de sac like two little girls afraid to go home and face their mothers. we sat down in the puddles, laughing and discussing all of Life's Important Matters, like which foreign countries to explore, whether it made sense to pack up and leave everything behind, and why she wouldn't get on board with taylor swift. in that moment, with all my belongings in boxes, i saw what lay before me, and i was not afraid. i had a compatriot, a cheerleader, and someone who believed in me.

today i started the slow and mundane process of moving everything from my current third floor walkup to the new third floor walkup down the street. i was the first one in the apartment, and immediately began cleaning. my bathroom, bedroom, the living room and kitchen are all spotless. i hauled over the majority of my clothes (which leaves not that much?) and single-handedly transported huge pieces of furniture left by the tenants across the apartment. i had a good soundtrack, a bottle of ice water, and not much else. lauren will be joining me later today when she gets off work, so that will make the process simpler and more enjoyable. however, the solitude left me thinking - i've been here for an entire year, and i'm left to make this move by myself. i asked around, don't get me wrong, and i did have volunteers (albeit, ones who backed out on me), but i found myself alone in this.

my three best friends from chicago have all left the city. i know that this year will open even more doors, blah blah blah, but i can't help but wonder whether it's me or the city that's holding me back. i am open and engaged and friendly with everyone i meet, personally or professionally. i am also myself, so there's a good touch of cynicism and morbidity in there, but not enough to throw anyone off a huge amount. i can't help but think of all the people i love and how they all deliver that passion and loyalty i so value - i know it's not impossible to find. i recall last summer, and that rain dance of love and trust and friendship and goodbyes. i know it's there. i'm not going to settle. but it does get lonely, looking out.